Pilotenwitze und Funkverkehr-Mitschnitte

It takes two things to fly - airspeed and money. Tower:     "Mission 123, do you have problems?" Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass." Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you  lost the whole instrument panel!" In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600. The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60.000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared. Pilot:   "... Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Tower:   "Roger. You are a fuel truck." Tower:   "Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476." Pilot: "Say again." Tower:   "Squawk 0476." Pilot: "Four, zero...?" Tower:   "Wollen Sie'n leichteren haben ?" A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." Tower:   "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft de- claring emergency about two hours ago ?" Pilot: "Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot." A helicopter is an assembly of forty thousand loose pieces, flying more or less in formation. Controller:  "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading." Pilot:  "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345, 346, 347, 348, 349 ..." Tower:   "You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Pilot: "Give us another hint, we have digital  watches!" Tower:    "Have you got enough fuel or not?" Pilot: "Yes." Tower:    "Yes, what?" Pilot: "YES, SIR!" One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." LH741:    "Tower, give me a rough timecheck !" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir." Apparently right after a military C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active it taxied by a Boeing 747 that was holding short of the runway. The Galaxy captain knowing how much larger his aircraft was keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?" British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal. Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?" This one was heard while flying in Holland, tower is talking to a female helicopter pilot: "What's your altitude?" "1000 feet" "What's your heading?" "175" "What's your speed?" "150 knots" "What's your bra size?" "36B ........ AAAHHHHH SHHIIIITTTTT" This captain was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease. For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out to clean up. His announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206." Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You will taxi to your gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn’t stop." Please bring your tray tables and flight attendants into their full upright and locked position. Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (auf deutsch): "Ground, was ist unsere start clearance time?" Ground (in englisch): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (jetzt in englisch): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" Heard from slightly irritated ATC: Put your compass on "E" and get out of my airspace. Every year aircraft manufacturers try to add something to their latest models. If they can't add it to the instrument rack, the speed, the handling, or the load carrying capacity, they do the next best thing .... they add a bit to the price. Once many professors were called and asked to sit in an airplane. After they sat, they were informed that the plane is made by their students. All of them ran and got out of plane except one. People asked him the reason. He said, "if it's made by my students it will not even start."

Tower:     "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain." Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100." Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain." Pilot: "Aber vier plus sechs ist doch zehn, oder?" Tower: "Sie sollen steigen, nicht addieren." Some pilots has only two friends: Jonny Walker and Martin Baker. Captain über Lautsprecher (nach einer etwas misslungenen Landung): "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one." There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach." Tower:    "German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back." Pilot: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil." The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a 38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a 45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." Zwei Düsenjägerpiloten fliegen in Formation: RIGHT PILOT: Counting down. On zero turn left! LEFT PILOT: Did you say "left"? RIGHT PILOT: Right! LEFT PILOT: Right... Tower:    "Cannot read you, say again!" Pilot: "Again." Tower:       "Learjet Alpha Alpha, increase your speed 10 knots!" Pilot: "Was that increase or decrease?" Tower: "Push the levers forward and go faster!" Pilot: "... Aaah, ok, but actually we need to tell the computer." Tower: "All right then, type mach .80 and press enter!" Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands?   .....   Did you ever fly with Alitalia? A veteran airline captain, apparently checking in with ATC on the wrong frequency, was asked: "Say your position?" to which he replied: "Captain" What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat! After a particularly lousy landing made from the right seat of a commercial airliner, that FO heard the Captain announce "Ladies and gentlemen, XXX Airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our First Officer." Some months later the same crew was together and, sure enough, the Captain made an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom, announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX Airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our Captain." The Captain turned angrily to his FO. "What did you say that for?" "Remember a couple of months back when you did that to me?" the First Officer replied. "Now we're even!" "But I never keyed the microphone!" protested the Captain. Do not spin this aircraft. If the aircraft does enter a spin it will return to earth without further attention on the part of the aeronaut. (from first handbook issued with the Curtis-Wright flyer) A man was boarding a plane, and was surprised when he was seated next to a parrot. Once the plane had reached cruising altitude, the stewar- dess came around with her drink trolley and asked whether the man wanted a drink. He politely asked for a coffee, but when he finished speaking the parrot squawked, "Get me a brandy, you stupid cow!" The stewardess was taken aback by the parrot's behavior, and came back with its brandy, forgetting about the man's coffee. Later on, the stewardess came by again, and the man reminded her of his coffee, and no sooner had he finished, the parrot squawked, "Get me another brandy, you wh0r3!" Once again, the stewardess came back with the parrot's brandy, again forgetting about the man's coffee. The man was quite annoyed, and decided to try the parrot's approach: "Fetch me my coffee, b!tch!" With no warning, the flight stewardess grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane. As they plunged toward the ground, the parrot turned to the man and said, "For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy b@$tard!" Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as much time off as my neighbours think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as my wife thinks I have." Sign seen at refueling point: WARNING! Do not operate any radio transmitter within 100 metres of the pumps. If your life is not worth anything ... the fuel is!